Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
