The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
