I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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