3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
time to smoke my breakfast
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
