The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
