you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
