Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
