just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Girls should come with a carfax report
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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