Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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