As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
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Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
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I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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