You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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