Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
