Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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