Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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