Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
