she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
