Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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