y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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