I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
