She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
