My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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