What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
