I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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