I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
