I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
