I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
