wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
