just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
