im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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