Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
