drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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