my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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