i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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