Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
