It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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