What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
