You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
TSA found the edibles
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California