I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
