The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
