I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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