quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
