Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
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If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
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Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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