We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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