Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
