I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
