I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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