Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
