I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I skipped work to stalk him.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
