Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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