tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
