I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
