he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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