Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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