Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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