When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
