Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
