his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
